• Virág

The River

I am sitting by the eternal river, watching the pieces of my past lives flow away.

Memories from the past, which are mine, thought it feels like I was not really there. Now, as I am watching from the riverside, I am sure it was not me. I don’t know who it was, who felt all the pain, the loss, the continuous desire for something unfullfilled, and the permanent fear of losing happiness as she experienced it. The pain of losing something made me old at 20 years old, and had to die many times to be born again.

Reading Hermann Hesse’s Siddharta, who sat at the riverside, and while watching the river, understood everything became enlightened, I cried, but I did not know why. My heart was melting.

And now, as I, too, am sitting on the shore of my life, I see that everything I have lost, is coming back to me.

I had to let it go and cry, because I did not know then that one day it would all come back. Love lets things go before bringing them back. My river, the flood of eternal tears, tears of pain and joy.

Don’t be afraid, it says, just love. Give me everything leave your life to me. One day I will give you everything back, but don’t wait for that, just watch your life flow away.

If you are peaceful inside, I will be smooth and silvery. The sun will dance on my waves, and at dawn the giant, orange moon will shine over me. Then it will come down to me, wearily, and the stars alone will be singing in the dark sky, but the sun will shine again. So will it be for eternity.

And you will sit happily, because you gave me everything, and yet you will be rich. Richer than you have ever wished, as you could never imagine that kind of richness. Eternity will be yours.

Suddenly I will make all the things you’ve lost fliw back to you. You will feel joy, but an other kind of joy than before. A soft, light and unconditional joy, because you are done wanting to own those things that I flowed back to you. Your joy is not the joy of getting, but the joy of living. Understanding that the eternal cycle of life leads you to nonaction, you will be sitting on the river bank, admiring the water, as your gigantic person turns into a bright drop of gold, swimming away into the eternal sea.

Translation: Nicholas Dagenais

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